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The Healing of Connection

Katie Holding Us TogetherOne of the deepest longings human beings have is the longing for connection – connection with yourself, with others, and with Life. And it all begins when you are a child. The kind of connections you have with your parents and other caregivers influence how open you are to Life as you grow up. When you receive true connection as a child, you have a far greater chance of not closing down as you become an adult. 

Most of us got the bare minimum daily requirement of connection because we were raised by what I call ‘unconscious giants.’ They may have loved us, but they had lost true connection with themselves a long time ago and thus didn’t know how to meet us exactly as we are. And many of us, like myself, not only didn’t get the minimum daily requirement, we got the exact opposite. Growing up, I was invaded and abandoned by the adults in my life and this caused me to withdraw and spiral down into deep darkness, ending up in addictions, mental hospitals and multiple suicide attempts.

I watched a fascinating piece recently on the Dateline NBC special series ‘On Assignment’ about the charity, Whole Child International. It was founded by Karen Spencer, the wife of Princess Diana’s brother, Charles. The organization focuses on improving the way orphanages care for children around the world, especially the need for bonding and connection during the early years of a child’s life. Karen told NBC News that she believes orphanages may be run with the best of intentions; however, they often put a premium on efficiency and skimp on individuality and interaction. As a result, a child can have up to 70 caretakers by the time they are 5 years old. Karen says, “Millions of children are really being stunted in all areas of their development and not being given the opportunity to grow up to be productive members of society.” 

Working with child development experts at major universities, Whole Child International has developed a framework to train staff and reform practices at orphanages. It focuses on how to develop deep and trustable connections for the child. The organization’s results have been phenomenal. When they launched the program in Nicaragua, they found 85% of the children who took a baseline evaluation scored as though they were intellectually disabled. Six years later, with connection a part of their lives, that number dropped to 15%. This is the power of focused accepting human attention. Children thrive when they feel loved, nurtured, and listened to. 

As adults, how do we know the joy of connection when most of us got the bare minimum when we were growing up? It begins within. First, recognize that because you probably weren’t given the gift of steady, accepting attention and connection, you may experience fear, self-judgment, despair, and loneliness. But you can discover how to give yourself the healing of accepting attention. After having lived almost exclusively in disconnection in my youth, I now have a rich tapestry of family and friends, and travel the world in order to spread this message of connection. How did that happen?  By learning how to connect with myself through the healing power of my own accepting attention. 

As you learn to meet and connect with all of those fearful, despairing, shaming, lonely parts of yourself that were fostered through lack of connection, you discover a full and complete connection with yourself. Grounded in yourself, it is then safe to open and connect with others, with nature, and with this amazing, intelligent roller coaster called Life. 

Image of ‘Holding Us Together’ by Katie M. Berggren  http://www.kmberggren.com/

Article posted with permission by Sounds True  http://www.soundstrue.com/