Finding The Perfection In Your Challenging Relationship
A woman I know is struggling with her marriage right now. She told me recently that she loves her husband, but she doesn’t feel like they are in a partnership any longer. The voice in her head keeps saying, “Why is he this way? Why isn’t he available? Why can’t he give me what I need? Why did I even marry him in the first place?” She keeps trying to change his behavior, and when that doesn’t work, she becomes withdrawn, lonely and sad, and sometimes even reactive and angry. I reflected to her that she seems to be lost in struggle, and I invited her to be curious about what Life is offering here.
If you are like most people, your parents did the best they knew how when they were raising you, but they struggled with their own challenges and were unable to be fully present for you. As a result, you felt abandoned, not valued, and not heard. So, feelings of pain, sadness, and fear were deeply frozen inside of you and you took on spells, like feeling you are not enough or you are not doing it right enough. When somebody is a challenge for you in a relationship (whether it is a mate, friend, next door neighbor or boss), it is an opportunity for your frozen parts to rise to the surface in order to be seen, acknowledged and heard.
If you are in a partnership or relationship that feels unfulfilling or is bringing up uncomfortable thoughts or feelings, ask yourself, “What is this bringing up inside of me right now?” I am not referring here to an unhealthy relationship that involves physical, mental or emotional abuse, or violence. That is the kind of relationship to get space from. But most of us are not in abusive relationships. We’re in relationships that are in struggle. Rather than trying to fix or change (or even leave) this person, I invite you to be curious about the feelings of sadness, anger, loneliness or whatever you are experiencing when this person is not showing up the way you think he/she “should be” and you get triggered. Although it feels like your mate is not there for you, the truth is that you are not there for you.
There is a magical doorway that opens when you begin to turn toward your feelings and the voice in your head. The magic happens when you don’t make the world outside of you responsible for your experience. You are responsible for you, and Life is showing up in this way so that you can respond to the one inside of you who has been struggling for so many years. So, how can you be there for yourself and the wounded parts inside of you when you are in reaction? First, soften your belly and allow a few long, slow out-breaths. Then, turn inward and say hello to whatever part is reacting. You might say, “I see you. I see how painful it is to have a partner who is not being a partner at all. I am here with you now. I may leave you from time to time, but I will always be back.” Your wounded parts need your heart and your love right now.
If you are struggling with someone in your life right now, I invite you to shift your thinking; perhaps the person you are struggling with is a gift who is enabling you to begin to be with those wounded parts that you have tried not to feel your whole life. As you learn to be with yourself rather than staying lost in struggle, you will set your frozen parts free. Keep on remembering the core response is from you to you. And, trust that your mate/friend/neighbor/boss is showing up perfectly right now!
Image – “Summer Splash” by Artist Filomena Booth www.filomenabooth.com